Tell me which phone can do everything the iPhone can... and more

I would love to buy 1 of those BlackBerry phones... which ones have:

Built-in wi-fi that runs faster than the iPhone's?
Which phone opens Word, Excel and PDF file attachments?
Weigh less than 5 ounces?
Which of them are thinner than iPhone at 0.5"?
Which can I install more than 3,000 different apps into?
Which can I write my own code for?
Which phone has more than 8-16 BILLION bytes of ram? (Without buying extra mem cards)
Which have a better/faster browser than Safari?
Which have 100 accessories that I can buy at stores all over the world?
Which phones cost less than the iPhone's $199?
Which have multi-touch screens bigger than 3.5"?
Which phone sells more than 1 million units... just in the 1st weekend?
Which phone has more than 3 GPS methods? (Cell, satellite, wi-fi.)
Which phone gives you high-speed, UNLIMITED data for under $30/month?
Which phone has more than 25,000 developers writing apps for it?
Which phone can I buy in more than 62 countries?
Which screens are sharper than 163 pixels/inch?
Which phone quickly sold 10,000,000 phones?
Which screens can display more than 16 million colors?
Which has a built-in battery that last 5-10 hours of continuous talk-time?
Which phones let me leave 5000 songs on my home computer, but still play them on my phone from anywhere in the world?
Which phone let's me listen to more than 1,000 free radio stations, even though it has no radio in it?
Which phone can play 50,000,000 movies/videos/TV shows, without storing any of them in the phone itself?
Which phone can make free voice-calls over wi-fi, all over the world?

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